Awake

For the first time in a long time, I feel...motivated. And I don't mean motivated to run a marathon, or change careers, or start a new foundation. Maybe someday. The motivation I have is to get out of bed, to do laundry, to clean my apartment. I'm motivated to read my Bible, to pray to God, to journal. I'm motivated to try. For so many months, I hadn't realized what I was missing. Why it took me hours to get out of bed when I was already awake. It was because every day I had to convince myself to get out of bed, using reasoning, logic, rewards, force...but now I just feel...awake. I am tired, but not exhausted. It's refreshing, and a relief. I thought I would never get to this point.

I don't want to fool myself and forget that there will be hard days, hard moments, but I can't let those drag me back down. Maybe now I can blog about something...sunny and pleasant :) It is nice that I opened my blinds this morning and saw the sun shining. Well, at least it reflecting from the horizon. I've been waking up way before my alarm lately...which I guess is fine. But I have been having some trouble sleeping lately. I have a really hard time falling asleep, and I have been getting scared. I have had to turn my tv on and the light on my nightstand because I am scared. Of what, I'm not sure. I was just suddenly aware that I was alone in my apartmnent.

I've been thinking so negative lately, I almost don't know how to write about something good that is happening. I've had a lot of fun getting to know some other girls from church. I have known I need to expand my group of friends for awhile, but it's been so hard. I've taken advantage of people being out of town to start hanging out with other people, and be ok with spending time alone. I'm excited about the future :) Nervous, but excited, and trusting God.