Gray

I'm not sure why, but the last few days have been very rough, emotionally. Memories have come flooding back, memories I would rather keep stored away forever. I wish I could erase them, or at least make them fade, so that even if I did remember them, the details would be fuzzy, and the edges rounded so they cannot hurt me anymore. But they do. They come back when I try to lay in bed and close my eyes and block out the world. I try to block out the world and I enter a different one, that I spend time in alone. A world of regret, confusion, pain, anger and fear. I wish I could focus on the good memories I have...but they are the ones that seem to have faded.

I think I knew that dating was a mistake. It was too soon. It should have been good timing had I listened to everyone around me. I should have had time to move on and to heal, to separate myself, to live a different life. But I refused to do that. How can I admit that out loud? Would things have been different with him? Could he sense that I wasn't ready, and that's why I wasn't good enough? Or was I just not good enough. This is how my thinking goes. And I'm scared because at this point, I don't know what is a right thought or a wrong thought, so I just assume they are all right, then people tell me something different and I'm confused. I'm confused all the time. Ugh

I wish I could write about something bright and cheerful. These posts are so....gray. Like Ohio in the winter.