Purpose

I've been a Christian for 6 years. I grew up going to church a little bit, believed that God existed, but made an actual decision to follow Christ when I was 18 years old. I eagerly jumped right into going to church with my then boyfriend, reading the Bible every day (I started in Genesis and kept going until Isaiah before I decided to check out the New Testemant), and I was excited to start school at Kent. I looked up all the Christian organizations, and found one called "The Dive", and looked at all the pictures and found out about what they believed, and wanted to be a part of it. I later found out this group was Campus Crusade for Christ. I went to every meeting, every retreat, every conference. I was active on the prayer team, leadership teams, and in Bible studies. I went on mission trips, shared my faith on campus, discipled girls. I attended church every Sunday at Hudson, was baptized there, and became involved in the college group. After I graduated, I skipped nursing for two years to work for Crusade as an Intern. I did a lot of "things." Things that were expected of me, trying to grow in my faith, know God better, be a better person. My perfectionistic tendencies made it difficult sometimes, as I wanted to do everything well, I wanted to be perfect, and struggled to understand grace.

I think all of that may have set me up for where I am now. After 6 years of extreme involvement and growth, I find myself stuck. Where I once filled my time with studying the scriptures, praying or journaling, I mostly sleep, watch tv, or spend time with friends. I've continued to attend church, however sporadically, go to a Bible study, and attend weekly meetings for a group of people in my age-group. But I feel numb to God. My prayers are feeble mutterings in my car on the way to work or out of fear. My journal and Bible are gathering dust on my bookshelf. I listen to people speak at church, and sing along and bow my head, but my heart feels stale, hard, unresponsive. I need spiritual CPR.

This didn't all happen in one day, and as I look back over the past few months, no the past year, I can see where I started slipping, which can be for another post. But here, now, I feel purposeless. With Crusade, it was obvious that I was living for God, it was my job. I could see the results of ministry, of lives changing, of myself changing. Now, I feel like I float day to day, week to week, just waiting for the next thing to happen. It's an exhausting way to live. Oh i have to go. I didn't give myself very much time for this post.

More later.