A reason

This post goes along with what I wrote about last time I guess...I'm still feeling pretty crappy. I tried talking to people, but sometimes I feel like I'm either inadequately describing what I am experiencing, or people want to offer me a quick fix. Maybe I think I want a quick fix, but once I start getting advice, I shrink back. At the nursing home, I am always on edge, always thinking about tasks. I start to get anxious around 3:45, because at 4 I try to start passing meds, and that's when old people start to wake up, and need something. Or fall out of bed. Or want to ask questions about their care plan. Day shift, people! I don't talk to their doctors unless there is an event. I document assessments, so unless there is something crazy, I continue on with the plan of care they have been previously receiving. What's frustrating about the home is that instead of being able to learn more from the nurses around me, I am forced to learn as I go. I've been fortunate that there have been many wonderful nurses that will stay past their shift to help me figure things out, answer questions I have, and encourage me. But I don't think I'll grow as much here as I could in a hospital, when I'm always working with other nurses and health care professionals. So I'm going to look for a hospital job in about two months. Until then I'll just grit my teeth and go for it.

But because I feel so frantic in the home, I haven't had much time to think about why I'm actually there. Like I said, there are so many tasks I try to accomplish that anything beyond what I need to do is almost impossible to fathom. And my struggles in my spiritual life are not making this easier. Instead of running to God, I am running away. I think maybe that's a part of the reason I feel so alone. Crap I have to go again.